even my farts smell like vagina
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
