I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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