I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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