thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
