Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
