i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
