I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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