Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
