I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
