I'm so fucking centered right now
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
