Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
