areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
