omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
