Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
don't judge my taste in strippers
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
