I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
