Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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