no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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