getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
