i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
