Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
