I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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