you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
