Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
