my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
