I am midnight drunk by noon
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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