His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
