I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
