I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
