If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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