I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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