I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
