For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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