You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
