he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
