just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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