I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
