how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize