Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
