i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
