I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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