So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
