My Higher Power is John Stamos
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
