Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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