Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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