Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
