I just pynch a tree in the face
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
