im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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