just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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