my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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