Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Randomize
