i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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