#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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