did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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