Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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