sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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