I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
