The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
