life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
