I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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