Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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