I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She told me I should be a condom model.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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