there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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