I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
