Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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