thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
